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june
2007-06-16 - 5:17 p.m. It's quiet around here today -- K is at work (yes, again -- apparently he's working on the very last of a series of jobs that were all lined up one after another. It should be better after this.) N is at a movie with E.B., and M is at her friend MT's house. I've spent the morning organizing paperwork and recycling mail -- all stuff that needs to happen. Soon I'm going to take a shower and then ride my bike to a graduation party for the sons of two friends. It's come to this -- everyody else gets cars, and I have to walk, or ride my bike. But actually, it's good for me. That's another plan for the summer -- to work in some kind of regular exercise. Maybe I should join the Y. Although maybe I should swim at the local pool. It's outside, which is a lot nicer. And then tomorrow, some friends are coming over for dinner, but I think I have that sort of under control . . . Lately I feel like I'm living in a house of secrets. I think that's probably a pretty normal thing when you'e living with teenagers -- they have their own lives. Or they're starting to, at least. I think I would not want to be a teenager again for any amount of money. I wouldn't mind being 30 again, I think. I'd even go so far as 26, if I could take back some of what I know now. Hmm. I just realized I am missing my friend L from work, who moved up to Spokane. Anyway. I guess I'd better go take a shower now and find something to wear, and make sure my bike has enough air in the tires ... And walk down to the wine store and the book store. At least I can walk places in my neighborhood. I think I'll get gift certificates for the boys. Too bad it's not a better book store, but I suppose they can order things ... Do you realize I am turning 48 in 4 days? Also, I'm reading the new Julia Glass - <0>The Whole World Over. I think this is partly to blame for my feeling of secrecy, since it is a book about people keeping secrets. I like her. I think she's a little like Maeve Binchy, but not quite as easy to read. Which doesn't really make her better, contrary to what you might think. But she's got the same major sweep of characters dealing with various phases of life. Much like what's going on in my house at the moment. I'm just trying to remember what life felt like at N's age -- it was exciting to think about what was ahead, but there was also a huge amount of angst about how I would ever pull it all together. Would I ever have a boyfriend I really liked and who liked me in the fundamental way that was necessary -- who would really see who I was in some way that my parents never had? Would I find some kind of work that I really wanted to do, and that I was really good at? Would I live the life I really wanted to? Would I have friends who would see the world the same way I did? Would it all feel real in the way that, at that point, my parents life did not? Thirty years later, I think I did it, and the parts that fall short don't seem so important, and it also feels like it doesn't have to be so all-or-nothing. I wish I saw more of my friend L, who is my best friend and who mostly does see the world the way I do. I see her once a year, which is not enough, but is still good. My job is lately better than it was. That's actually more important than I wanted to admit. I think M is not even at the point of wanting things in specific -- she's more at the point of being annoyed by life in general. Anyway -- anyway anyway anyway. I have to go shower and be on my way. xxx.
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