2002-10-18 - 9:27 a.m.
I'm home today -- allegedly cleaning the house for the wretched event.
I think perhaps the way I'm thinking about this thing -- wretched event --betrays a certain hostility. Hmmm. I'm not sure I'd like to be my guest --
I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm feeling pretty crabby in general, I'd say, but then there are underlying whiffs of okayness. I stopped by a bakery after dropping the kids off at school -- to get a pie for the wretched event -- and when I walked outside, and it looked pretty fall-like, and cold, I caught myself feeling sort of happy.
So -- I don't know what the deal is.
I think maybe cleaning the house is a sort of metaphor for what I ought to be doing with my life -- cleaning all the crap out and doing something new.
I just looked at out refrigerator. It's covered with pictures Maddy drew about 5 years ago! It looks like a preschooler lives here.
But the preschooler is 10, so --
You know, I was hideously depressed when I was 15, and then again when I was 19. I think this may be an analogous time in my life. Things are changing. The kids are growing up. Actually, I think this may be the funnest time with them. I know Nora is about to become a teenager, and it may be that she will be no fun at all for those teenage years. But so far she's still pretty fun, and old enough to be fun in a new sort of way --
I think my natural cynicism may have rubbed off on her. She's kind of clever, in an entertaining way.
But anyway, they certainly don't need me the way that they used to, and I'm aware that things are now changing for me.
I mean, I'm afraid it means I have to figure out what I want to do.
Something I've never been all that terrific at in the first place.
At the moment, though, I'm feeling sort of overwhelmed. (Perhaps I'm just overwhelming myself so I can't think about anything -- ha! That's quite possible.)
At the moment, though, I would like to crawl back into bed and sleep for a couple of days --
But instead, I think I will go wonder what to do with the smelly sneakers and dead lavender litering the porch, and the tiny glass animals all over the mantelpiece, and the dresser from Ikea that I still haven't put together --
design by simplify.