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deep thoughts
2004-07-20 - 11:51 p.m. Hey! It's really really late here in Massachusetts. Well, not that late, I guess. But everyone here has gone to bed. Hooray! It's turning out to be an odd sort of summer. Because of my convention, I'm here way too early. I had thought of going home for the first half of the week, and probably I should have, but my mother seems to be a little -- tentative, and I would have had to leave Maddy here. She's getting over lymphoma, and really, she seems to be fine, but since it comes on top of colon cancer about 5 years ago, she's having a hard time bouncing back psychologically. Then, I think it brings up ideas of death all around. My stepfather is 82 (and actually, in great health, but no one lives forever.) Another stepfather (don't ask) is possibly dying. I think hes 80. The cousins closest in age to Nora and Maddy -- the ones they usually have a great deal of fun with -- are going home early because their mother has had colon cancer, and has to start chemo. Also, just the fact that Maddy and I are here so early, and Nora and Kevin soming later (tomorrow) makes everything seem weird. Weird, weird, weird. I kind of just want to go home, although I am having a fine time. Possibly we'll drive up to Vermont. Possibly (I hope) we'll go to Rhode Island to see Lynn, and I'm sure we'll go up to Weston to see Kevn's brother. But it's all kind of seat of the pants and haphazard. Hmmm. Well, also, I think I'm worrying about next year for both kids. And also, being tentative sort of brings out the worst qualities in my mother. At her worst, she is crabby and controlling. Not really fun. Inclined to obsess about things out of her control. It's quite understandable, if a bit tedious. But it is educational, I think. I mean, I watch her and think -- I don't want to end up like this. Then, perhaps, I'm so worried about not ending up like that that I won't really think as much as I should about what I really do want to end up like. But then, that in itself is the sort of thing she does that I am trying to avoid. Okay -- I'm going to bed. I'm reading he piano tuner, which I'm liking a lot, althoughit's a bit -- I don't know. Worth reading, though. Good night --
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